"I had forgotten how to be happy..."
Sarah R Auer, 21
Patio Furniture Sales Representative, Homestead Gardens, Davidsonville
Severe Acute Depression and Anxiety, Fall 2013
In truth my diagnosis was very brief and straight forward. I informed my doctor that I had extreme difficulty doing anything except sleeping and interactions with people were difficult, it wasn’t like I felt terribly sad, but that I was so extremely unmotivated and detached that nothing felt fulfilling or even worth the exerted energy. As for anxiety, I only realized that I needed to talk to a doctor about it after I had an extreme panic attack while driving a car – I knew that I could have killed several people, and that something was wrong. My doctor explained that the two issues were likely related and that many individuals suffering from one condition also suffered from the other. She described the processes:
Essentially, I had forgotten how to be happy and how to function “normally.” Receptors in my brain had ceased communicating properly, thus inhibiting the chemical exchanged that I recognized as happiness.
After talking to my doctor, I realized that the stress of being bullied by my family, moving to Florida without a reliable support group, and losing all of my financial stability had really stripped me of who I really was – it caused me to lose sight of my own self-reliance and give up on my future. Even though I had an inkling that what I was experiencing was depression and depression-related-anxiety, I thought that people with depression should be able to get over issues like this on their own-two-feet, that is to say without the help of others or medications. After making the choice to talk to my doctor about therapies and medications, a conversation I made after the frightening almost-car accident, I realized that medication usage does not mean the person is “weak”. For a while I neglected to tell my friends and family about my experience (for reasons related to issues which may have added to my depression, as well as simply being afraid of their judgments). Many of my friends received me well, having had similar experiences; many of my family (such as my mother when she was divorced, or my grandfather after the Vietnam War) had also used medications short-term to assist them in over-coming acute depression.
The most challenging experience in relation to my mental illness was coming to grips with admitting that I 1) needed help, and 2) that admitting I had acute depression didn’t make me less of a person or “weak”. It also didn’t mean that I couldn’t overcome it or make the best of the experience regardless of it.
I wouldn’t say that I have ever talked about [my illness] publicly. To be entirely honest, I still struggle with the validity of my struggle with depression and anxiety. I know of many individuals who have overwhelming mental illnesses, such as bi-polar disorder, and their stories of living relatively normal and even influential lives makes me feel a little shameful – that I could a have been inhibited the way I was over something so seemingly trivial. I think that this “roadblock” isn’t unique to me, I’m sure lots of individuals with acute issues or even chronic issues with depression and anxiety may feel as though their struggles are lesser to those with more “extreme instabilities”. However, there is no doubt in my mind that when I was suffering from my afflictions that I was not truly myself.
Don’t wait until something major happens, like a car accident, before you start talking about it. And certainly don’t prevent yourself from getting help because those around you don’t fully understand. There are lots of therapy options, many of which are free and easily accessible; 80% of the battle is motivating yourself to access them. Looking back, it’s obvious to me that I was struggling with these issues well before I ever moved to Florida, but having a support group (ALANON and personal friends) really made a difference for me, and finally, when I was emotionally stranded, medications were able to teach my body what was normal again. But none of these solutions would have been possible without talking to someone first.
Today I would say that I am 100% back to normal, I still get sad and anxious just like we all do, but I have regained the coping skills needed to maintain normal life. And even though I occasionally feel shame for that horrible experience and my inability to immediately cope with it, I know that I did the right thing and that my shame is unreasonable. Needing help is nothing to be ashamed of.
