"Netflix is the one thing I can't mess up."
Taisha Gainor, 18 Barista, student at UMBC Major Depression, Generalized Anxiety (2014)
For the most part, depression and anxiety are the most common of a long list of mental illnesses, and they are often diagnosed together. They’re the most talked about, most well-known… But that doesn’t make them any less scary. I was officially diagnosed in late 2014 by my doctor, but I can remember the symptoms beginning sometime mid 2010. The depression is definitely the worst. When most people think of depression, they think of crying, sadness, and cold, rainy nights. In reality, it’s nothing like that. In my case, at least, depression is sheer emptiness. I lost interest in things I used to enjoy. I lost my motivation. My grades started slipping. I lost my ambition and drive. I started skipping classes. The days I'm sad are sort of a comfort, because at least I'm feeling something. I would do anything to feel something. That desperation led me to self-harm at a very young age. Though I didn't quite understand what I was doing, I knew that it worked. On the worst days, my depression makes nothing seem worth doing at all; All I want to do is stay at home and in bed. I began sleeping for unnaturally long periods of time. However, doing that is made difficult by anxiety. To put it simply, my anxiety makes me nervous and self-conscious about everything. “I’m going to fail that test. I’m not going to graduate. I can’t skip class again, the professor will hate me.” Everywhere I go, my anxiety comes with me--like a little reminder that I’m probably messing something up. “Are they staring at me? They’re staring at me. Oh god, now they’re laughing, what did I do? I probably look ridiculous. Stop doing that, I look stupid.” No matter what, I’m convinced that I can’t do anything right. Because of that, I retreat into my room. No matter how alone I felt, being alone was always better than the anxiety I felt being around people. I started watching more telelvision, immersing myself in the lives of fictional characters. I had myself convinced that I could live that way. Netflix is the one thing I can't mess up.
The lack of motivation continues to be the biggest challenge concerning my mental illness. Some days, I can barely get out of bed, let alone finish another essay for class. There are entire weeks where I can’t shake this feeling, and I’m forced to reconcile myself to save my grades and go to work. The “real world” is so fast-paced, it seemed like nobody cared if you were falling behind. So I do. I fall behind. I provide only the minimal amount of effort in everything that I do.
I remember thinking to myself, “Am I depressed?” But at the same time, I felt that I had no reason to be. Nothing in my life had gone particularly terribly. I didn’t have a trauma in my past. Sure, I was under a lot of stress, but there were so many other people that had it worse, I felt terrible for feeling the way that I did. Still, I couldn’t deny that something was wrong. I struggled for a long time with self-harm and eating disorders. It took about three years before I finally decided to see a doctor. Thankfully, my doctor was able to look past my usual “no, I’m fine,” responses. She alerted my sister to the situation, and I started to receive the help I needed. As of today, I am six months self-harm free. I still struggle with food sometimes, but I'm getting that under control.
That was the first time I ever openly talked about having a mental illness. To this day, there are people very close to me who aren’t aware. In truth, I'm scared of their judgement. I was afraid that I would let them down and that they’d see me as less of a person. I think my anxiety plays a major role in that. I was so scared of the stigma against mental illness--I was convinced that admitting my issues would only solidify my failure. My sister was more than understanding. She never hesitated to offer help when I needed it, but for some reason, I'm still afraid.
When I became a little more open about my illnesses, I received a lot of the usual comments. “Oh, you’re fine,” or “you have nothing to be depressed about,” or “you just need to find some motivation, that’ll fix it.” Luckily, I had people close to me that assured me that my feelings were (and are) valid.
Unfortunately, for several reasons, I didn’t continue with my doctor’s visits. I never started any medications and didn’t see a therapist. Because of that, my battles with depression and anxiety are daily struggles. I’m using this project and this movement as my first step, publicly announcing my struggle. I am not ashamed of my mental illnesses. They are a part of me, and I will overcome them.
If I can offer advice to anyone reading these stories... It would be to avoid everything I did. Don't shut yourself away in shame. There are hundreds of resources and plenty of people who will help you overcome your battles. The hardest part is admitting that you have a problem, but you will come to realize that it's okay to not be okay. With that support, you will be okay again.
